


it was summer

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Real Person Fiction, SM Entertainment | SMTown, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: Character Study, F/F, Friendship, Romance, Sicagate, and other ~stuff~ lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-23 15:55:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4882900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>When the producer sighs and says: "Okay, three songs left -- let's have a break!" Taeyeon can only sigh with relief, real relief, and smile, decline, and say that she's staying back because she's never been one to sing, write, and drink with a team without any of her girls nearby.</i>
</p><p>OR: The meaning behind #newme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it was summer

When the producer sighs and says: "Okay, three songs left -- let's have a break!" Taeyeon can only sigh with relief, real relief, and smile, decline, and say that she's staying back because she's never been one to sing, write, and drink with a team without any of her girls nearby.

She waits until the studio is silent. She opens a notebook over the soundboard. She checks Instagram, frowns because CL is already leaps and bounds ahead of her and she knows, knows, _knows_ that even though their solos are split by countries, there is still going to be some kind of comparison and that sucks. She thinks about calling Tiffany next, stops because she's on a date, then ignores the nine Google alerts that pop up onto her phone to remind her that she and Baekhyun are still broken up even though that was May and now she's watching October suddenly appear, leaves changing, and all kinds of anniversaries on the horizon.

It takes her a minute anyway. She goes through the motions, scrolls through her contact list and tells herself, really tells herself, what everyone she would call is doing and why she can't bother them, although they would answer. She exits her contact list, moves onto her apps, takes a selfie for later -- working hard, i think! ^^;; -- and then writes a bland title at the top of her page. _It's fall_.

Taeyeon opens her contact list again. Her mouth purses. Her fingers hovers over the name. Jessica, her mind tells her.

Her thumb presses _call_. It's three rings. Then there's an answer.

"Hi," she says quietly.

There's a pause first. She hears a door open and shut. She swears she hears the ocean in the background, imagines the leaves rustling and the beach, and then hates herself for being some kind of romantic.

Jessica sighs. "Taeyeon," she replies.

This is not new. In the spirit of things, the road to mend, or at least whatever is left of their relationship, started months ago, and quietly. She doesn't remember who reached out to who; maybe it was Jessica (probably), maybe it was her (unlikely), but it's grown to sparse, plain conversations.

"Are you -- " she hesitates, flushing, "-- where are you? Am I bothering you?"

There's amusement in Jessica's voice. "No," she says. "I'm taking a break."

"Me too," she breathes, relieved.

"Is it going well?" And Taeyeon picks up a pen, spinning it between her fingers. Three songs, she tells herself. "Work."

"Well enough," Jessica replies.

She imagines her sitting at some kind of desk. Maybe the window is open. She remembers seeing a picture of her at the airport, which, if she's honest, is the only time she really sees Jessica, airport photos and some kind of phone call.

"Sorry."

Jessica laughs. "Taeyeon-ah," she tells her. "If this is going to work in any sort of way, you have to start the conversation like a normal person."

"You're better at this than I am," she mutters. What she really wants to says is: I have three songs left and I'm _stuck_.

The silence happens again. She wonders if Jessica spends a lot of time alone. Taeyeon doesn't really talk to Soojung. She doesn't know what to say; the youngest Jung sister is more than intimidating to her and her group members have basically closed rank around her as well. She's always been jealous of the f(x) girls. There's always been something more intimate to five.

"I'll be on my way back anyway."

Taeyeon blinks. "From where?"

"I'm in Jeju," Jessica answers. There's a pause. "I've been fighting leaving though -- I came to see Soojung and the other girls. The house I've rented is really pretty here."

"Why don't you _stay_ ," she blurts.

She immediately regrets it. The pen spins out of her fingers. It drops, rolls onto the floor and she shifts, scrambling to grab it. Her hair falls wildly around her, the blood rushing to her head as she moves back to sit in her chair.

"Sorry," she breathes. Taeyeon crosses off the title on the page. She writes another one: _stay_.

Her mouth is dry.

Jessica is hesitant. Then she says the words: "You could always come here."

 

 

 

 

 

Thankfully Taeyeon has enough weight to say: "I am going to Jeju!" and the company will let her because, for various reasons, she makes money and will always make money, regardless of where she is going to go. She packs an overnight bag, tells the girls that she's _okay_ , and then tells herself that these three songs are going to come to her when she least expects it, pressure or no pressure. This is the way it works.

She doesn't sleep during the flight. She deletes Baekhyun personal number. It's time, she tells herself. She doesn't feel good about it. She just feels tired. There are waves and water and the air is just different, she thinks. She needs different air.

The text comes when she lands, there are photos too and while she checks the address, she readjusts her sunglasses to make sure that the flashes don't blind her eyes and that she has more than enough money for the cab there and back. Force of habit, she thinks. Once a trainee, always a trainee.

This is impulsive, she argues with herself. She tells her cab driver the address.

The thirty minute drive gives way to waves and night sky, fading streetlights, and when she opens the window, it's cool air and that sharp, warm smell from the ocean that always seems more romantic than she can really, really understand. She doesn't think of things she's going to say. 

(Their first conversation went a little something like this: 

"I've always been impulsive," Jessica tells her tiredly, when Taeyeon cruelly pointed out that she just didn't think about the consequences of any of her decisions. 

"But," she also says, "I didn't expect any of you to just go and give up on me either -- that was the worst part."

Taeyeon only remembers that her hair was in her eyes and Jessica smelled soft, warm, and like something floral.)

As the cab pulls up to the small house, Taeyeon digs into her bag and pulls out her notebook. She turns to the page with titles. She crosses off _stay_. She writes _i'm sorry_.

"We're here," the driver says, and she smiles, shoving her book into her bag. He looks at her shyly. "Can I get an autograph?"

She smiles again, nods, and takes the notebook from him. It's a small, greasy pad, and the pen runs out towards the end of her name. It makes it look more authentic, she almost says. Then she tells herself she sounds like an ass.

In front of her, the lights of the house turn on. There's a small garden in the front. She watches the door open and Jessica appears, swallowed by a sweater, wearing jeans, and her feet completely bare.

Taeyeon's throat is tight.

"Thank you," she says again.

She slides out of the car, gripping her bag. They meet each other halfway.

Jessica stands in the grass.

"Hi," she says.

"Hi," Taeyeon says back.

The breeze picks up. It sinks into Jessica's hair, pulling at her bangs. Taeyeon steps forward; behind her, the car lights start to draw back, fading. Then it's just the house, Jessica, and the sound of the waves.

"You look tired," Jessica murmurs. Her head tilts and she reaches forward, grabbing her bag from her hand. Taeyeon swallows, watching her. "Come inside," she says. "It's cold and I'll feed you."

"Thought you were going back," she says awkwardly.

Jessica shrugs. "I'm working out here," she says. "It's peaceful. Soojung asked me to stay a couple more days."

She turns, stepping back into the house. Taeyeon can only follow her, watching the bag in her hand as it swings. She puts it gently by the couch and Taeyeon ends up following her into the kitchen.

Jessica points to the seat. "Sit."

Taeyeon obeys.

"Are you hungry?"

"No," Taeyeon says. "I don't know. My head is sort of spinning and I have three songs left that I need to write, but don't know how."

Jessica leans over the counter, offering her hand. "Let me see."

Taeyeon stares at her, wide-eyed, because she's close, close enough, and she's aware of everything right in front of her: Jessica, at first blush, the slight turn of her mouth, the long curve of her throat. Things that she's always thought about, but have never let herself even begin to touch.

She gently slaps at Jessica's hand. Her fingers push into her palm.

"There's nothing," she says. She shakes her head. "Just a bunch of titles."

"Like?"

Her face is warm. "Stupid titles," she says.

Jessica rolls her eyes. "Yah." She pokes at her forehead gently. "An idea is an idea," she says. 

This isn't like Jessica never left. There is something so intimidating about her, like this, about the very nature of what their relationship was, is, and could be. Her gaze is warm, her eyes are little sad, and this is the kind of honesty that she's always been reaching for, with all the people in her life, and she feels something between desperation and guilt, trying to reconnect and reach for her at the same time.

"I've got a deadline," she murmurs, sighing.

She shrugs out of her jacket. It drapes over the bottom of her chair.

"And these are the three songs," she says, "that are supposed to be _really_ mine, you know?"

"I know," Jessica says vaguely.

Taeyeon flushes, looking down. "Sorry," she murmurs. She reminds herself: this is still awkward, we are still awkward.

The other woman turns then, her sweater winding behind her in a flourish of fabric and weight. It hits the back of her legs and she reaches for cabinets, starting to open them and pull out bowls and things. It's so like her, she tells herself.

"I'm going to feed you!" Jessica declares. Her voice changes. It's a little warmer. It's a little brighter too. "And then I'll snoop," she says, turning her head and flashing a grin.

Taeyeon's face burns.

This feels a little like coming home.

 

 

 

 

 

Things she learns in the first few hours of the next day of this impromptu trip:

Soojung comes and goes. She says, "Hi eonni!" and is cheerful, a lot brighter than she expects. She's envious when she watches the Jung sisters embrace, then when the other f(x) group members follow, it becomes a weird, warm family affair of breakfast and laughter before the girls have to disappear for their video shoot.

("It's good to see you," Amber had said to her, pulling her aside when they both end up outside, facing the beach. She looks over at Jessica, smiling. "You look happy here.")

The next thing is simpler, almost worldlier. Jessica Jung is older, wiser, and has managed to become someone that Taeyeon recognizes and does. She finds her desk, spots sketches and notes, a mess of books and inspiration too. Everything is bright, there's so much color, and the distraction, really, is the softness of the waves, the way the sun and the light the open windows -- this house is Jessica, she thinks. This house is _Sooyeon_.

"You're working really hard," she tells her later as they walk along the beach.

Jessica walks along, her hands in the pockets of her jeans. Her lips twist a little. "I'm trying to," she says quietly.

"It shows," she says sincerely.

Jessica laughs. Then reaches for her hand, lacing their fingers together.

"Taeyeon-ah," she murmurs. "You don't have to force anything. I'm just ..." Her head drops and they stop walking. "It's nice that we're talking again."

There's a lump in Taeyeon's throat.

Her mind spins with a million different things. She tries to focus on the simpler things. The water is hitting the back Jessica's heels. Her skirt is getting wet. They're the same height when their feet are bare. She misses being able to reach for her and know that she's there.

"I'm sorry," she says and her voice is heavy. "I'm sorry that it --"

"No," Jessica interrupts, shaking her head. "I want to move forward. And I don't want you to apologize for being you."

There's a slight edge in her voice. Taeyeon feels herself become a little braver, stepping forward, almost into Jessica.

Her shoulders are heavy.

"I wish I had room for all of this," she confesses.

Her mouth feels tight. Jessica leans in, brushing her hair from her face. 

"You do," she says. She's a little amused. "You could write about it."

"That's not fair," Taeyeon protests lightly.

Jessica laughs, really laughs, and the sound is so bright that it makes her stomach shift and tie into knots. She thinks: I am going to kiss her and it unsettles her, unsettles the very nature of what she's always thought their relationship to be.

"You can stay," she tells her. "I don't know how long I'm going to be here. But you can stay."

"I couldn't," Taeyeon mutters, shying away. Her head feels like it's swimming.

Jessica shrugs. "I remember what it's like --" she pauses. Taeyeon tugs at her hand. "I know what you're like. If you need the space, then take it."

Leaning in, Taeyeon is pressing on her toes, to be some kind of height against Jessica. Her fingers dig into the back of her hand and when her mouth hits her forehead, she makes a soft sound; Jessica merely leans in.

"I'm terrible at this," she says.

Later, she'll pull out her notebook and write the next title.

_who we always are_

 

 

 

 

 

The odd thing is that when the first day turns into the second, then third, and she hasn't made it a secret of where she is -- the press says, "She's writing her album!" and the girls get a half truth, littered with company lines, "She'll come home soon!" She weans off of texts from Tiffany and Sooyoung, her sister and a few from her producers throwing words about excitement and questions about _the process_.

She doesn't answer much. She says things like hi, how are you, and yes, of course, things are being written because that is what she can bring herself to say. She spends the rest of the time alternating between writing titles to unwritten songs that she hates and watching Jessica as she moves around in her tiny house by the beach, working and laughing and looking so painfully real to her.

"Nice picture," Jessica comments, dropping onto the couch next her later at night. She flashes her phone and Taeyeon blushes, staring at the hashtag caption: #newme and feeling shamefully embarrassed.

"I tried," she says.

Jessica laughs. "I love these pictures," she tells her. "Because they're more like you than any of the other ones."

Taeyeon blushes again.

"Mine are dumb," Jessica adds. "Soojung has it down -- beautiful, artsy enough to be annoying _and_ interesting," she says with amusement.

"I like your pictures," Taeyeon mumbles.

Jessica holds out her hand. Her eyes are bright and she smiles.

"Let me see your songs?"

Taeyeon's mouth opens. Then it closes. She studies Jessica's face. Her cheeks are hot again and she looks away.

"There are none," she admits. "I want to write a love song, a really good love song -- the kind that make people who are singers, who want to be singers ... just crave it the way I did. Still do." Taeyeon groans, covering her face. "I don't care about the other two songs, really. But I really just want to write a decent love song."

Jessica's question is simple: "Have you ever been in love before?"

Suddenly, the weight of the room changes and Taeyeon feels herself come face to face with a lot of things. Decisions she's made. People in her life. People that she's hurt. The standing regret that's lived in her head for years now.

"I don't know," she replies honestly. Taeyeon shifts and faces Jessica. "I've liked people. I've liked being with people. I've loved family. But I don't know if I've ever been in love with anyone. Not in the way I want to write this song."

The change in Jessica's face is slow, almost lazy. The air between them changes too; Jessica shifts and faces her as well, their knees resting against each other.

"Sometimes it's staring you right in the face," she says quietly.

Taeyeon's mouth tightens. "I'm blind, you know." Her breath catches. "I can sing these love songs because I can always relate to some aspect of them, but..."

She realizes then that this is Jessica, that there's always been a distinct different between talking to Jessica and being _angry_ with Jessica. There's a desperate sense of longing suddenly, truthfully, and it's almost too painful to face. But -- there's just no where to go.

"I never expected you to answer your phone that day," she murmurs.

Jessica's mouth twists. "I always answer my phone."

"You know what I mean." She looks down, studying her hands. Her fingers flex forward. "It was a whim. I called you because I couldn't handle my alcohol."

"I remember," Jessica says dryly.

Her hands drop into Taeyeon's lap too. It's abrupt. Her fingers press into her palms and then start to drag into small circles.

"We're not good at the forgiveness part either," she adds, and it's apparent, like it's always been, that healing is going to take forever. Taeyeon's mouth twists and her fingers curl around Jessica's hands. Jessica continues, "But that's okay too."

"You're being the adult in all of this," Taeyeon says.

"Weren't we talking about love songs?" Jessica replies lightly.

Before she even realizes it, she's tugging at the other woman's hands, dragging her forward and almost into her, over her lap. It feels like she's drunk; her heart is racing, her head starts to swoon and spin again, pulling away from anything that remains rational.

"I haven't stopped."

It doesn't matter who kisses who first.

She does not think: why am I kissing her? In fact, it stays as simple as possible. Jessica's mouth is warm, pliant even, she's patient too -- when Taeyeon pulls her tongue into her mouth, Jessica's mouth opens and she makes this sound, oh _god_ , this sound that pushes Taeyeon's head to spin and her hands to curl in her hair. She pulls and Jessica makes the sound again.

They're awkward and clumsy too, her knees dragging up so that she climbs over her. Jessica falls back into the couch, Taeyeon over, and they are just as clumsy as they were when they were sixteen and there, then, is the romance in all of this.

She starts to memorize Jessica too: her mouth never leaves hers, she bites and tastes it too, while her hands start to move away from her hair, her face, and then under her shirt to sink against her hips. Her skin is warm and she almost, almost _dies_ when all Jessica does is breathe and says _taeyeon-ah_ against her mouth and that sends her heart into a million other pieces.

This is the love song.

 

 

 

 

 

Later, they climb into bed with each other.

It's stupid, but the guest room is down the hall and has all of Taeyeon's things, but she can't seem to bring herself to let go of Jessica's hand because, this, this is real, right? She waits for Jessica to climb into bed, all nerves as her nighttime routine unravels in the simplest way. Jessica washes her face. Jessica puts on a long button-down. Jessica opens the windows because she likes listening to the waves, even though they both know it's a little cold and she's going to wake up in the middle of the night to put socks on.

She's humming a melody by the time the other girl settles, sliding under the blankets with a soft sigh. Their fingers lace together and Taeyeon wills herself to breathe.

"So," she starts.

Jessica laughs sleepily. "One thing at a time," she murmurs, and her head turns into her shoulder. Taeyeon's fingers start to brush through her hair. "We can make out in the morning," she says cheekily.

Taeyeon snorts. "You're not helping."

Jessica laughs again, but doesn't say anything else.

It takes awhile for her to convince herself that she's sleeping; the melody returns to her mouth and she's humming softly to the waves, to the sound of Jessica breathing, wondering, hoping that this is something that she won't have to explain to herself quite yet. She hates secrets. She hates that she never quite has the answers that she needs.

But it's simple too, and that's what is so terrifying about it. She feels like she can do this night after night after night, staying in this house, by the beach, and writing songs and watching Jessica talk calls and draw and think about inspiration with her eyes lighting up, wide and round and insanely overwhelming. She thinks about how she's never really understood her own choices. She wonders if this is what she's been waiting for.

"Stop thinking."

Jessica's voice sneaks through the dark. Taeyeon stops humming.

"I don't know how," she says.

Jessica laughs softly. "Listen. We're still working through a lot, you know? We don't have to call anything -- well, you know what I mean."

Taeyeon turns her head, looking down at the other woman. "I just miss you," she says quietly. "And thinking back to everything and then now --"

"Stop," Jessica says gently.

She leans up, kissing her nose. Taeyeon blushes in the dark.

"I've always told you," she tells her, "that no matter how hard we are with each other, how angry or _whatever_ , I'm not going anywhere. I don't know how to leave people behind."

"I just want to call this something," Taeyeon murmurs. "I need it to make some kind of sense, I guess."

She leans in, despite herself, her mouth running against Jessica's mouth. She tastes soft and sharp, a mess of contradictions, and her leg slips between Taeyeon's. She pulls her closer and the blankets tangle around the two of them.

She softens her mouth then, kissing, then stopping, then kissing Jessica again. She knows well enough that Jessica won't ever completely tell her what's going through her head, not yet, maybe not ever; that's going to take time, whatever that may be. But Jessica eventually falls asleep, and it's back to the sounds of the ocean for Taeyeon, coupled by Jessica's breathing, and the slight, subtle jerk of the blankets as they tangle around each other again.

"I loved you ever since I could remember," she tells her then, in the dark.

It's complicated, hearing it out loud.

 

 

 

 

 

In the morning, she goes to the beach alone. Jessica has a call with New York. She's made coffee, shoos Taeyeon away, then throws her notebook at her head, mouthing _go write_ because that is what she came here to do, write three songs and sell an album that isn't finished yet.

She calls Tiffany, stumbling over the sand, her voice breathless and bright.

"I'm a mess," she confesses, laughing. The sound is almost too real. "I wore this skirt-dress- _thing_ and it's only continued to remind me just how short I am."

"Take a selfie!" Her best friend says cheerfully. Her voice shifts and changes, softening and then Taeyeon knows she's caught too. "And tell Sooyeon I said hello and I love her. And miss her too."

Taeyeon just swallows and says goodbye.

She finds a patch of beach close enough to the water, sinking into the sand. Her dress flares out, her knees shift closer to her chest and she looks out into the water, tilting her chin up in some kind of strange defiance. Be you, she tells herself. In a little while, she knows Jessica will come and find her. They'll sit together. Maybe they'll talk some more.

She smiles a little. 

At the top of the page, Taeyeon writes the next title.

_i've never forgotten how to love you_


End file.
